Here's looking at you baby!

Ha! Peekaboo! We can see you even though you're in my belly! Sneaky peaky! 

You're so scrumptious all rolled up like a cinnamon bun in there! I LOVE YOU! 

Sorry from my heart again that things have still been a bit all over the place, I know how terribly that affects you. 

Sorry also for having the bath too hot the other night. You were not happy, I could feel that, thanks for letting me know. 

Still trying to get our lives in a more peaceful place my peanut, and still working on getting our care changed to a midwife and studying everything I can to give you the easiest, least stressful birth possible...will get there, sigh. 

Little squiggle on your toes! Oh, your toes, can't wait!

x Mamu

 

Our gorgeous baby girl at 21 weeks scan! She is going to be as beautiful as her mom!

my baby girl

Dear Babu!

Time is flying out here. You are almost 24 weeks old! Yey! I still have not told you about how we got to know that you are a girl, but I have written a little bit on a bumpy lumpy bus to university, and I will for sure write to you about your scan!

So now we know that you are a girl! That means I am going to have two girls in my family, well that means that there are 3 girls in our family actually ;-) We are taking care of Cookie, who is a cute little kittie, except when she is eating dadu's plants. you might be bale to hear her now and then, though when you hear a deeper sound of purring, that's your dad when mom is massaging his shoulders or sore head that gets too sore from studyign a lot.

My dear girl. I just wanted to say that I love you very much and that despite the fact that I am very busy with school and cannot be there for you or for your mom all the time, that does not mean that I am not thinkign about you. In my heart you are the most precious and beautiful miracle that has happened out of your mom and dad's big big love (into which you will come very soon, in less than 16 weeks ;-))

And don't worry about coming to this world because you great parents waiting for you to surround you by much love and care.

Love you my baby girl!

butterflies and rainbow sunshines

dad

Thinking about nothing else but you...

I can't think about anything else but you at the moment my little peanut! Except for your dadu, he's a part of my soul and therefore in my mind and heart every second of the day.

I am busy reading a book called Ina May's guide to childbirth, and it's opened my eyes and stirred a primal response deep in my being about how to bring you into this world. Today I spent lots of time researching how to move our care to a mid-wife, I wrote a long letter to a mid-wife group that feels perfect, and now I await their response to see if they have space to care for us until the moment you arrive...and after even! Holding my breath!

I think about you, and dream about you, and feel your little elbows and feet banging my belly like a bongo drum, and all I want to do is prepare for you. 

I'm still working but I'm just hanging in there for a little longer as I'm ready for a change. I need an environment that's easier on us both, and some time and space for you and I to get to know each other.

You can probably hear dadu's voice too....he talks to you all the time. He loves you so much little monkey, he rubs my belly and covers it with kisses, which he hopes you can feel. He also wants to feel connected to you, so he comes to pre-natal yoga with us...and most times is the only male there! So precious!

He's still working really hard, but he makes time to dream about you too. He loves your name too and so we both talk to you using your name already, you probably will know it by birth!

Sigh, got to go my little babu. It's late and I've got to get ready for bed so that I can wake up and make it through another day...until you arrive!

x Kisses, and snuggles and hugs!

x Mamu 

Your dadu...

Little mushroom, your dadu is working so hard, you can be so proud of him. 

He is putting his head down to complete his degree, and I know he wants to be out there in the world building his ideas into our reality, so it's hard for him some days.

But we believe in him, you and I, his girls! 

And because of that he will do it all time. 

xxx Love you, and your dadu, so much.

Mamu

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry for last night and this morning little one. I know it affects you when I'm stressed. I'm trying, but sometimes it gets hard out here. I don't want it to be like this for you babu, I only want the very opposite. I'm going to try harder and do everything that it takes to get our lives to a place that is more peaceful and happy.

Love you so very, very much.

Mamu

I can see you!!!

Hello little one! 

I can see you! 

Finally! 

I can see your little head and arms and legs and feet. Your feet are way up over you head, what are you up to little peanut? 

Except you are no longer a peanut! 

You are a little girl! A precious little girl. 

I know this for sure now, after our 20 week scan. 

I am so excited! I cannot think or speak about anything else! I must be driving everyone crazy. 

I wish I could explain the feelings I felt watching you on that screen. How my heart felt when your little hand came up to the screen, as if reaching out for dadu and I. I wanted so badly to reach out and touch you and let you know that I am here. Always right here. 

I hope I am looking after you ok?

I hope that the stresses of our everyday life are not affecting you? 

It has been a difficult time in many ways and I prey that somehow in your little bubble you are immune to all these meaningless trivialities that weigh down on our shoulders out here in the 'real' world. 

I question which world is actually real, yours or ours?

But I do know how real you are already to me.

You have been since the moment I discovered you were a little bean sprout in my belly waiting to send out your first shoots.

Dadu and I already have a name for you. I won't write it here yet as maybe you will let us know differently over the next 4 months. 

We love you babu. So very much.

Your picture is on my desk to help me get through each day until you come. I find myself staring at all the tiny parts of you in wonder, wondering who you are. 

You are so cute and beautiful. I talk to you and touch my belly in hope that you hear my voice and feel my touch.

I am preparing for your birth already. I want to be strong and present so that I can bring you into the world in the way that you deserve.

You are life after so much loss. 

You are a second chance in my life.

Dadu and I prepare and wait little one.

And dream...